THE ZORDON OF ELTAR SHOW #1 by Joe Rovang (jrovang@mindspring.com) Guests: Prince Dex Aisha Campbell Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd [Billy and Rocky sit at a futuristic, dimly-lit juice bar. Behind them is a large window overlooking the inky void of space. Ernie is nearby, behind the bar, preparing drinks.] ROCKY: So then I told the kid, "Justin, I think you'd make a great Power Ranger." [Billy chuckles.] [Ernie hands Rocky a baby food smoothie. Rocky takes a sip.] BILLY: So why'd you leave? ROCKY: Eh, I wasn't getting paid enough... [Billy glances at Rocky.] ROCKY: ...attention. BILLY: Oh. ROCKY: What brings _you_ here? Didn't you go to Aquitar? BILLY: Well, yeah, but Cestria only wanted me for my body. I knew Zordon respected me for my mind. Not to mention I was getting really sick of Aquitar. Water, water, and more water! Ugh! [Ernie approaches Billy and hands him a complimentary glass of water.] ROCKY: What about you, Ernie? ERNIE: It's always been my life's dream to serve drinks on an asteroid drifting aimlessly through space. So when I heard about Zordon's plan to pack up and host a talk show out here, I came with him. BILLY: I guess it's good that Zordon's found his calling. I just don't see why he had to take the Zeo Crystal along with him. Couldn't he find anything else to power the show? [Aisha, walking a lion on a leash, walks up and takes a seat beside Billy.] AISHA: Hi, guys! ROCKY: Who are you? AISHA: It's me, Aisha! BILLY: Aisha, what are you doing here? AISHA: Zordon asked me to be a guest on his show since Master Vile cancelled on him. BILLY: Oh, wow, it's... (suddenly looks at nothing in particular) Uh, I just remembered something I forgot to do. (runs out) AISHA: What was that all about? ROCKY: He still thinks he's a Ranger. He hears imaginary communicator beeps and then hides a closet, then comes back out a while later and tells everyone he "had something to take care of". AISHA: That's awful! ROCKY: We think those "negative proton molecules" fried his brain. [Alpha Five pokes his head into the bar.] ALPHA: Places, everyone! Ay yi yi! ROCKY (getting up): Well, gotta go. AISHA (playfully slapping Rocky on the back): Nice seeing you again. [Rocky grimaces in pain.] [Aisha cheerfully leaves the bar with her lion.] --- [On stage right of the darkened set, Alpha talks to Rito and Goldar, who are encased from the waists down in prison pods. A drum kit is set up in front of Rito, and Goldar is surrounded by an assortment of synthesizers.] ALPHA: All right, you two, this is Zordon's first show. You'd better not screw it up. GOLDAR: Who, us? ALPHA: Behave, or I'll take away your instruments. RITO (timidly): We'll be good. [Alpha walks offstage. Nearby, Rocky stands in center stage with a clipboard.] ROCKY (yelling into the darkness): Squatt, Baboo, gimme some light here! [The lights turn on, and Baboo giggles in the background.] ROCKY: Can I get a music check? [Up in the booth, Quagmire scratches a record back and forth and gives a thumbs-up to Rocky below.] [Zordon pokes his bald blue head, now human-sized, out from backstage.] ZORDON: Are we ready yet? ROCKY: I think so. (yelling to booth) Hey, Billy, how's the Treys' camera work? [Quagmire, alone in the booth, looks around. Billy suddenly rushes in and takes a seat.] BILLY (over PA system): Sorry, I, uh, had something to take care of. ROCKY (walking offstage): Are we ready? BILLY: Affirmative. ROCKY: Okay, action in three... two... (holds up his index finger, then points to Alpha) ALPHA: Live, from the deserted rock known as Eltar... it's the Zordon of Eltar Show! And, ay yi yi, here's your host... Zordon of Eltar! [Zordon steps out from backstage in a muscular, humanoid body clad in a solid white spandex suit with a black belt and a flowing blue cape.] ZORDON (standing in front of his desk): Thank you, thank you! You know, I just flew here from Earth, and boy is my wormhole tired! [Silence.] ZORDON (reading cue cards): All right, tonight our guests include Prince Dex of Edenoi, Aisha Campbell of Earth, and our favorite married couple, Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd! [Rito and Goldar cheer.] ZORDON: Let's bring out our first guest. He's that guy with a big freaky rock in his forehead - the one and only Prince Dex! Let's give him a hand! [Goldar and Rito boo as Dex walks onstage and shakes hands with Zordon. Dex sits in one of the chairs adjacent to Zordon's desk, and Zordon sits at his desk.] DEX: Thanks for having me, Zordon. ZORDON: So, Masked Rider... er, should I call you Masked? Or Rider...? DEX (uncomfortably): I'd prefer Dex. ZORDON: Oh, sorry! You don't have a secret identity, do you? DEX: Not anymore. RITO: Get him off the stage! ZORDON: So, Masked, I hear you attacked the Power Rangers completely unprovoked when they went to help you on Edenoi. DEX: Well, I... ZORDON: You think you're pretty hot stuff, huh? Think you're a big man just because you've got a rock in your head? DEX: No, I... ZORDON: The Red Lightning Turbozord could drive circles around that little car of yours, you know. [Dex shifts uncomfortably in his seat.] ZORDON: Two words: Fur Ball. What's up with that guy? DEX: You mean Ferbus? RITO: Get him off the stage! ZORDON: And thank you so much for coming, Masked. Next! [Dex looks around, confused.] ZORDON: Next! [Dex gets up and walks offstage.] ZORDON: Man, talk about uncooperative! Rocky, who's next? ROCKY (scanning his clipboard): Aisha Campbell. ZORDON: Who? ROCKY: She's going to show us how gentle lions really are. ZORDON: Ladies and gentlemen, Rocky, my stage manager! Let's give him a hand! [Spotlights focus on Rocky, who looks up from his clipboard and smiles. Spotlights return to Zordon.] ZORDON: Cue the lion girl. [Aisha walks out from backstage, walking a lion on a leash.] ZORDON (standing up and shaking her hand): Thanks for coming. AISHA (sitting down): It's great to be here, Zordon. ZORDON (sitting and peering at the lion): What have we here? AISHA: This is a lion. Most people think that lions are mean and vicious, but they're actually... ZORDON: Why's that foam coming out of its mouth? AISHA: What? ZORDON: Good god, woman! What are you doing, bringing in plague-infested animals?! Are you crazy? RITO: Rabid lion! [Rito and Goldar scream in terror, causing the lion to panic. The lion pulls free from Aisha and lunges at Rocky, knocking him to the ground.] ROCKY (being mauled by the lion on top of him): My back! [Aisha jumps up and pulls the lion from Rocky and takes it offstage. Rocky weakly stands.] GOLDAR: Wow. ZORDON: Billy, can we see a replay of that? BILLY (from booth): Affirmative. [The monitors play a frame-by-frame of Rocky being attacked by the lion.] RITO: Hey, it gets even better the more times you watch it! ZORDON: Who do we have next, Rocky? ROCKY: Rita and Zedd are up next. ZORDON: All right, bring 'em on! [Rita and Zedd walk onstage and sit down.] RITO: Sis! Ed! GOLDAR: Get us outta here! ZORDON (to Rito and Goldar): Hey, quiet in the peanut gallery. (to Rita and Zedd) Thanks for coming to the show. RITA: We only came to steal the Zeo Crystal. ZORDON: So, what have you two lovemuffins been doing since you murdered the Royal House of Gadgetry? RITA: Well, with the Machine Empire out of the way, we've been taking some time off from the Earth-attacking business to try to start a family. ZORDON: Now, what does that entail? ZEDD: We're trying to make a baby. ZORDON: What kind of clay do you use for that? ZEDD: No, the old-fashioned way. ALPHA (offstage): Ay yi yi! ZORDON (leaning forward in his chair): Hey, you guys think you could give us back the Power Coins now? ZEDD: No. RITA: We destroyed them. They're gone for good. [Six Rangers - red, yellow, blue, black, pink, and white - dressed in the original Power Ranger suits, except for the fact that the white areas on their suits are gray, wander in front of the camera, babbling in Putty-talk.] ZEDD (yelling at the Rangers): I thought I told you to wait in the RV! [The Rangers scurry offstage.] ZORDON: Well, Rocky tells me we're just about out of time. Thanks for coming. [Rita and Zedd get up and walk offstage.] ZORDON (to camera): I'd like to thank you all for watching the show. We hope you'll join us again tomorrow, when our guests include ex-Rangers Jason Lee and Kimberly Hart and nasties Scorpina and Maligore! [Lights dim momentarily. Zordon looks around, confused.] [A blackened, smoking Lord Zedd storms past the camera.] RITA (following Zedd): Zeddy, the Zeo Crystal is still protected by a forcefield! ZEDD (now offstage, yelling): Yes, I can see that now! ZORDON (rapping a small stack of notecards against his desk): Good night, everyone! (tosses the cards like frisbees toward the camera) ROCKY (off camera): My back! [Lights fade.]